i have no qualms about exposing my weaknesses.

soooo lemme tell yall something about me – i have no restraint when it comes to my boys. NONE. NADA. ZILCH. ZERO. NON-EXISTENT. i remember the first time i felt it – that hot, instinctual protectiveness. it was right after i gave birth to my first son. the bond was instant. and i have witnesses to this – i held that baby in my arms and was compelled to call my momma from the hospital bed at 2am to apologize because i had no idea that she loved me like THIS.

through tears, i apologized profusely. “momma, you mean to tell me you love me like THIS? you feel about ME the same way i feel about this baby? momma, i am so sorry for everything i have ever put you through. i had no idea how much i was hurting you.” (i was a terrible, rebellious teenager, y’all.)

i have cussed teachers, kids, principals, gas station attendants, my momma AND my daddy over these boys. and their daddy too. i have showed my ass in IEP meetings, waited on parking lots, been kicked out of doctors’ offices, sat outside schools, teed off and pulled up – all in their defense. please believe that *anybody* can get it. yes, even you. my children are the quickest way to getting you cussed out, slapped, choked and probably killed if the offense is egregious enough. i’m not ashamed of it either. i know that i am their foremost protector, provider and staunchest advocate. if not me, then who?

i’m reflecting on all of this because my oldest got in a fight today. he came home with a split lip and wounded pride, and told me about his history with the aggressor. he said that the boy talks about him every day in gym class about how he’s trash at basketball, how he can’t shoot, how he can’t talk (my son has a severe speech impediment). when i asked him why he never told me or his teachers about the boy before, he told me that he didn’t tell anybody because he felt like he could handle it on his own. for some reason, that just broke my heart – because he hasn’t been ‘handling’ anything – not if the boy continues to talk about him every day. the thought that he has been internalizing that bullshit and shouldering that burden by himself unnecessarily just broke me up inside. because i STAY READY. but i’m thinking, perhaps THAT is the lesson – that HE needs to stay ready too. because he is who he is, a kid who has some special needs, he is subject to bullying – so he needs to be ready to defend himself when needed. he needs to love himself fiercely in the same way that i do, and to know that he deserves protection – and that that sometimes means that he has to protect himself.

i mean, he’s a teenager now. 14. an 8th grader. and a boy. i’m thinking that this is probably the age/grade where it’s embarrassing for a boy to have his momma ride up to the school in his defense. but uhhhh… come Monday morning, he’s just gonna have to be embarrassed. cause i’m pullin UP.