Awakening: The Mother Dogma

I’m raising kings. And at the same time, enjoying and cultivating the tree of my own life. I find that many mothers and wives are missing the second part. It’s a delicate balance, but one I take sure to foster.

In Kate Chopin’s “The Awakening”, the protagonist Edna says, “I would give up my life for my children; but I wouldn’t give myself.” I remember sitting straight up in the bed when I read this. I closely relate to the entire book, but this particular sentence made the electricity travel from my tailbone straight up to the back of my head. I agreed. And concurred. And co-signed. Then I felt guilty that I agreed. I had a serious tête-à-tête with myself afterwards.

Buried deep inside the idea of the American dream psyche are these errant notions, these hard work over everything, give everything for your family, save every penny to send your kids to college types of mentalities.  I find these conceptions to be in error for many reasons; but here I’ll list two: 1) Too many parents lose themselves therein. 2) Kids need to know early that the world does not revolve around them.

What do I mean by “parents lose themselves”? To give a personal example, when I separated from my husband, I realized I’d been so caught up in the day-to-day, the meals to cook, the clothes to fold, helping him achieve his dreams…that I’d forgotten ME. After the separation I remember being…almost BORED. I didn’t remember what I liked anymore, what I liked to do. My whole life, and the life of many Christian wives that are taught and told that their purpose is to be a helpmeet, had been wrapped up in my husband and children. This newfound abundance of free time forced me to see that I’d lost myself somewhere along the line and sparked in me the desire to find Nicole again.

How does a mother do that without feeling guilty? What you need to know is that EVERYTHING you do is for your children. Even the things that you do for yourself are for them in the end. When I go to school; it’s to give them a better life.  When I go on vacation by myself; it’s to reboot, rejuvenate and be a better mother to them. When I take two hours to go to the gym; I am healthy, so they win. I do not forego things that make me happy in order to fulfill some silly ideology that ‘a good mother puts her children first’.  Sometimes I don’t take them to Six Flags and take myself out to the museum. Yes! Yes I do.  Sometimes I have quick popcorn and a movie with them and then go out on a long overnight date. Yes! Yes I do. I need them to know the importance of my self-time and self-care. A good mother is one who is good to herself and that goodness spills out over onto her children. How can you pour out the love onto your children if your own vessel is chipped, cracked, broken and dry?

I remember an interview where a rapper was talking about why he’s had so many failed relationships. After his father was killed in the rapper’s childhood, his mother refused relationships, saying that she didn’t want new men around her children. The rapper said that because of his mother’s ideologies, he never got to witness love between a man and woman, and that the concept of it (love) is foreign to him. As a result, he self-sabotages his own relationships out of fear of the unknown. Why do I tell this story? I feel that his mother put her children first and made an egregious blunder that has ended up costing her son way more than she could have ever forethought it would.

Don’t lose yourself. I think that’s what Edna was trying to say. Are my children the most precious part of my life? Without a doubt. But in that, there is so much more to me than motherhood and my sons. I am funny, I write, I enthusiastically adore music. I live to learn new things. I go gaga for leather goods in variety.  I teach, passionately. I love collegiate sports. I can cook your grandmother under the table. I make beautiful jewelry. I am a black, female woodworker. I am a gardener. I love to read. I love the shit out of my friends and family. Everything is a part of me. I would die for my sons, but I live for myself.